9 december 2015 01.19

Beautiful on the outside broken on the inside. 

God why give me life if you didn't give me the capacity to live it? 

I've fought so hard. I'm stronger than strong. Life put me trough hell and back and I survived. Just to be punched to the ground by disease. 

My brain is lying I know. But how do I tell my brain to stop lying when it's control of my whole system? 

I know what life is. I still love life. I just cannot feel it. 

I know that life is beautiful. I still see it. I just cannot feel it. 

My mind is haunted, my heart is torn and my body is broken. 

My spirit still lives but it longs for home. It want out. I want out. 

I don't want to quit. I don't want to leave everything behind. I just want the suffering to go away. I just want the pain to stop. 

God why did you give me more suffering than I can bear? 
I came here to end the suffering. To end the pain of my past. The past of my inheritance. 

Is this the way it ends? Do I have to end myself to make it go away?

I know that I have said yes to this burden. But what are my plans? Did I plan to quit here? For which reason? 

God I don't feel you leave me with any choice. I suffer beyond worlds so how could I go on? You know I won't be able to take this much longer. And whatever I do, no matter where I go or which people I spend time with the suffering never goes away. Why God? So I could learn more from pain? I've learned plenty from pain. More than anybody I know. But this time is to much. You overstepped your boundaries God. You pushed to hard. This time I'm helpless. You hit me with life and I'm lying down bleeding and I can't get up. And I can't scream for help because my mind is holding me back. Every light there is and my mind comes and shut the light out with it's lies. Every time I try to stand up my mind kicks me in the head until the world is spinning and my sight turns black. 

This time you didn't give me a chance God. How can the same mind which is sick, be the same mind that cures me?

Without mind we are nothing. Spirit is within but the mind drives this body. 

I've asked you for help to cure me and when that didn't happen I asked you for help to free me. 

Please God release me from my pain. Because I can't take it any longer. I don't want to suffer no more. Please help me carry my burdens and bring my spirit home.