Girl in pink colors

The intensity of my feelings is not normal. 

I feel sorrow that is as deep as all the oceans are wide. 

I feel grief that is as if I was the only single person left on earth. 

The ruthlessness of my disease knows no limits. 

It tears me apart like I was a single piece of paper. 

I know there is some chemical problems up on the first floor. 

I've known it for months and months. 

But still the help is so slow to get here. I seem to be the only one to understand the severity of the problems in my brain. 

But of course, I'm the one that experience it all. 

I'm the one that sit day in and day out on my bed or on my floor. 

Holding myself while I'm crying. 

Big tears coming from to big emotions. Coming from a brain that just broke. 

I told the doctors this summer that I was bipolar and they didn't believe me. I look way to good on the outside. 

I told them I have a lifetime of practice to hold myself together and they didn't get it. 

None of them have ever been close to the challenge and the horrors I face on a daily basis. 

Now I got a doctor that listens. He seems to be a good guy. 

But still there is so much waiting. 

No help arrives on time because it's already more than 1 year behind of my first cry out for it. 

Only God knows what I'm enduring and I know that he is proud. 

I have not a single clue of what his plans are for me, and even if I trust him, I know that his will is not always ours. 

I'm scared. Really scared. 

I'm scared of the torturing emotions and that they one day will eat me alive. 

I'm scared of not getting the help I need. 

I'm scared that maybe it's already to late. 

I'm scared of being alone, but there is no other way. 

I'm scared to get locked up or hospitalized, because that for sure would kill my last hoping spirit. 

I'm sad. I'm so profoundly sad. 

For everything that is broken. 

For my life that just took a turn in a direction I didn't want it to take. 

I try to find the glimpse of hope and love all around me. 

I do feel grateful for everything I have every single day. 

But my illness is torturing me day and night and I'm tired and I'm scared. 

I did not choose this sickness and I will need some help. 

So I'm praying to God, please help me. Send me something to relieve my pain. 

Because I'm the girl in pink colors with love big enough to hold the whole world. 

What a waste it would be to dim my light and to leave me in broken pieces. 

I have so much love to give and I was not finished giving it out just yet. 

So please God if you hear me, can you please listen. 

Send someone to save me from this so that I can continue what I was doing. 

Giving my love to the world in my pink state of mind, so that they too can experience all the miracles of this one love we're all sharing.